Dr. Google is a thing for people like me who hate drugs and are always on the lookout for home remedies. I had always gotten better after applying some of the remedies. And the bragging rights that come with devising your own cure is just mad. But I think the doctors got jealous and decided to show me pepper with a particular incident. That’s how I learned that not every Google remedy is a remedy.

I know some of you have read about my love for roasted yam and plantain. They are just too sweet in the mouth. But unfortunately for me, they didn’t love me back. I gained a ton of weight, had breakouts and I was regularly constipated (too much hard food is bad).

One time I had this very bad constipation. I tried every fruit possible because pills weren’t an option. I hated anything drug related. I am a herbs and fruits person, as any original native doctor I was supposed to be. But my tummy was just getting bigger and bigger and the worst part was I couldn’t eat more roasted yam.

I picked up my phone and went on google for the umpteenth time to find a solution to my problem. I had already gone through the first four pages, so I decided to go the back-back because some treasures are lost in low google rankings. This singular act became my undoing.

Before I continue, I want to warn everyone against laughing. This is a serious matter. If you laugh, best believe I will come for you with all my energy. Read between the lines to know how I will find you. Trust me.

The page I found wasn’t an Amaka. It had a plethora of solutions to my problem. I sifted through them till I found one that I felt was really easy and also accessible to me at the time. It was a eureka moment, so I quickly turned the water heater on and left it for an hour straight, not minding the electricity bill because Google said the water had to be ‘hot hot’.

When I was sure the water was hot enough, I poured some in a bucket as directed by Dr. Google. Ladies and gentlemen, wait for it.

Waiiiiiit for it!

Yes, you have waited long enough: I sat on the bucket. The remedy said steam helps relieve constipation. How the writer came about this was a mystery I was ready to unravel.

The problem was that they didn’t tell me about other things like the type of bucket to use and if my roasted yam and plantain weight was going to be a problem.

So I sat on the poor bucket with my roasted yam and other junk food body, happy to have found something to share with roasted yam committee members like Zainab, Malik and IB, in case they found themselves in a similar situation. I was busy enjoying the warmth, convinced that there will be other benefits of this steaming, without thinking about how the bucket felt.

At this point, the bucket was really angry. I am sure it said, I ta cha ji, I buru onwe gi na ada gbu m, before caving. That’s how I fell on the floor and steaming hot water poured on my little princess. Uwa me ehhhhh! My life flashed before my eyes. The pain was excruciating. Random thoughts of how I had damaged my never-been-used kitty (before you even think of saying anything about this part, chiri aka ise) and how I will never be able to tell my Mills and Boon stories came rushing through my head. I screamed so loud I felt my ears pop.

I managed to stand up and ran cold water over the place. I slowly walked to my bed with my legs wide apart and tears streaming down my face. I turned on the fan and positioned it like I had come from very “hard labour” as I thought about how I would explain what happened to a doctor the next day.

I took some time off work with the excuse I had a hot water accident, but I never let my colleagues come to visit me. Just my very close friends knew what I was going through. The most painful part was finally resuming at work and explaining to my colleagues and superiors about the accident, how it happened, and, worst of all, where it happened.

I am good now, and I have also learned no remedy requiring hot water is good for me. Between them and me is a pit the size of Kilimanjaro. Dear doctors, I am sorry for going to Dr. Google. I promise to call you guys next time, but the punishment was too much na. Where is your heart?

I am also grateful to nutricloset.com because it forces me to practice what I preach, so more veggies and less yam in my diet. This means goodbye constipation.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime